Ep 17 - Your Best Days Are Ahead | Krista Klossner PART 2

On this Part 2 of It's okay not to be okay.  Christa Klossner shares her deeply personal journey through heartbreak, trauma, grief, and healing after losing her husband Brian to suicide following a long battle with depression. Christa opens up about the warning signs, the emotional toll on their family, and the devastating day that changed everything forever.

She also shares what happened after the loss—the weight of grief, her own struggle with depression and hopelessness, and the road toward healing through Christian counseling, EMDR therapy, faith, family support, and God’s faithfulness through every season.

This episode is raw, honest, and filled with hope for anyone walking through pain, loss, mental health struggles, or uncertainty. Christa’s story is a reminder that even in the darkest moments, healing is possible and your best days are not behind you—they are still ahead.

Listener discretion is advised. This episode contains discussions of suicide, depression, trauma, and death.

Horseman's Landscape
We are so thankful for Chris Horsemans and his continued support of our podcast.

First Response Water & Mold Removal, INC
Joshua Phelps is a lifelong resident of Lee County. After graduating from college, he spent a decad

Ends of Earth Adventures Ministry
We exist to promote and resource youth ministries in the nations by outdoor adventures.

Chill of Cape Coral Florida
Cold Plunge. Cryolounge. Hydromassage. Float Pod. Red Light Therapy. InBody 580 Scan Take the plung

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome everybody to the Three Doves Podcast. I'm your host, Jason Pulowski. And today, Krista Klosner rejoins us and shares her journey through loss, trauma, and healing, and reminding us that even in the darkest moments, your best days are still ahead. Before we begin, please be advised. This episode contains mature content, including discussions of suicide and death. Listener discretion is advised. We're back again with Krista Klosner. Krista, thank you for being back on the Three Doves Podcast.

SPEAKER_00 0:39

Yeah, thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_02 0:40

Krista, in this segment, we want to dig a little bit deeper. We want to go down that trail of Brian and depression. Tell us a little bit more about where we left off with Brian.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

Sure. So when I say I started seeing a decline, there was about five years.

SPEAKER_02 0:57

Okay. We're in a five-year period of time.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

Yeah, that he's declining. But the last year where things were getting really bad.

SPEAKER_02 1:04

Just so we have a year status, when did what year did you start to uh see this depression?

SPEAKER_00 1:09

Um probably more like 2012, 2013. Okay. Yeah. Um I started seeing, you know, just the down, just the depressed, anxiousness. Um, but that last year, I always talk about like the last year of his life because it it was really bad. And that was when I kind of woke up and said something was really wrong. Um, there were people placed in my life that were telling me something was wrong and really him to see somebody. Um we had gone to like a marriage counselor because I was thinking it was my fault, you know, or he's so unhappy because of me. And I remember it was the same person that did our premarital counseling. She goes, You need to get him to see somebody. He his mood is just so low. Like it's not who I remember. His mood's just low. Like, this isn't really him, and this isn't you. And so um, another friend I saw, she hadn't seen Brian in a while. She goes, You need to have him see a psychiatrist. Like he just is not himself. He kind of was a little bit manic at that time. Um at that point, he also started making suicidal remarks. And it was things like, I don't want to be here anymore. Like, I wish I would, you know, wish dead. Um, in fact, one of those times I ended up calling his dad to come and get involved because I was starting to get really scared.

SPEAKER_03 2:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:42

Um, we saw numerous doctors, psychiatrists, counselors all within this year, um, tried every diet under the sun, um, tried bone broth, tried veganism. You know, he worked out. I mean, we are talking, I'd be ordering the organic, you know, bones, you know, grass-fed bones and making all the bone broth, thinking it's a gut issue. And I mean, every piece of research I could do on it, um, I was trying to fix. And even when he was gonna be vegan, I found out later he was taking the kids to little Caesars to get pizza.

SPEAKER_02 3:21

That's Brian. What about to the uh angry cone?

SPEAKER_00 3:24

Oh my gosh, the angry cone. Yes, he would like take the kids, like, you know, to all these places.

SPEAKER_02 3:29

People don't know what the angry cone is. I know.

SPEAKER_00 3:31

Used to be in San Carlos. If you're old school, it was the old twisty tree in San Carlos. Yeah, and it was all these. Why was it the angry cone, though? He was so mad. Like he just the guy who owned it hated that he owned it and hated working there. And I would be so scared to order. We would go there when I was dating and ice cream not to order, and he would just be so mad and grumpy. Oh, yeah. Oh my gosh, but it was the only place that had Superman ice cream. So we always had to go there. Um, and Brian's like, he's so angry, and we just called it Angry Cone. He would go to Angry Cone with the kids, little Caesars. I'm thinking we're vegan. I'm cooking everything vegan, making everything under the sun, you know. Um, at that point, I was working and I stopped working because I started getting concerned about leaving the kids with him. I would come home at some points and he'd just be asleep on the couch and the kids are running all over. Um, so that last year was getting worse and worse and worse, and to the point where people started noticing and and saying to get help.

SPEAKER_02 4:34

Yeah. Yeah. I you're you're bringing back memory for me too, as well, when you're speaking. And so it's a little difficult to navigate. You know, this is this is a honest to truth. This is a very difficult podcast for for us.

SPEAKER_00 4:47

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_02 4:48

Um But the drive is that we know there's people listening who are experiencing um maybe some of the symptoms.

SPEAKER_03 4:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:58

What were some of the symptoms that you're you were picking up on that might help people identify this might be occurring in one of their loved ones?

SPEAKER_00 5:05

Yeah, very withdrawn.

SPEAKER_02 5:06

And let's be very upfront and stop the podcast just for a second and say we're not psychiatrists trained. We're not saying that this is absolute, but this is what you picked up on. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. This you go, you know, see seek medical, we're not medical professionals giving any medical advice here, but but if you're seeing these traits, the possibility could be there, right? What are some of those traits?

SPEAKER_00 5:30

Um, very withdrawn, very moods all over the place. Uh Brian was a very stable person, and all of a sudden it was I would wake up and not know who I was gonna get. Yeah, just really started to get impatient with the kids, very short-tempered. I struggled talking about that part because it wasn't him.

unknown 5:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:56

Especially that last year, it really wasn't him. Like I cannot stress that enough. It it was somebody else completely. He wasn't short-tempered, he wasn't impatient with the kids, he he wasn't any of those things. And it really was like I lost him before I lost him. Like I I really did lose him slowly. And then that last year it was he was completely gone. And you know, we were seeing all the doctors we could, we were seeing Christian counselors, we were seeing psychiatrists, psychologists, we were if we didn't, you know, feel like one was really involved, we would go see another. We did a lot of talk therapy, um, tried medications. I would not let him go to the doctor by himself because I didn't feel he was being honest. When he sat in front of a, you know, a doctor or anybody, he was fine. And it was all in my head, you know, like, what? You know, and that's that's like really difficult because then we get in the car and he's back to being, you know, talking about he doesn't want to be here anymore. He's just worn out, he's he's tired, he's all these things. I mean, there was definitely points, you know, I started finding signs that he really was suicidal and I could not leave him by himself. I would make him get out of bed and go with me to drop the kids off at school because I was scared about what he would do. I took weapons out of our house. Um, I counted his pills. It got to a point where I did start feeling just like my own mental health was starting to tank because here I am trying to pretend like daddy's totally fine in front of our four young kids. And I'm worried if he's gonna get up for work. Um, I'm worried about leaving him by himself. I can't leave the kids, I can't work. Um, so it was it was really That's a lot to hang.

SPEAKER_02 7:53

That's a lot, that's a heavy, that's a heavy burden, that's a heavy load.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

It is, it is a heavy load. And I've had people ask, like, why wasn't eBay cracked it? And I've even had family members ask me why. And the truth is, he was never that far of ever telling me what he was gonna do. It was just I didn't want to be here. The conversations we would have around that would be, you know, he's just tired. He, you know, wants to go home, meaning heaven. And I'd be like, okay, do you have a plan? All the things you know as a nurse to ask, do you have a plan? Do you know keep them safe? And you know, if you start noticing if they're euphoric, they probably made a plan and all these things that I knew as a uh healthcare, you know, worker to look for, and he didn't follow any of those. And so then when you have people saying he should have been baker acted, that's that's even that's worse because he just he was never there and he would never admit to it either. When I would ask people to get involved, he would never be honest with how he what he told me and how he was feeling. So I did look like the person that was kind of losing their mind.

SPEAKER_02 9:10

Wow. Wow, that's heavy. Um there was a morning that Brian was on the phone and you had to run the kids.

SPEAKER_00 9:20

Yeah, he had he had work that day and he got home and we had a conversation where he felt, and this was not a new medication, it was something he'd been on a couple months, but it it just wasn't doing it. I was like, okay, well, I'm gonna make the appointment, we're gonna go back and we're gonna sort it out. And I remember he said, I feel like I've done everything. And at this point, I'm still in like, come on, bud, we haven't even like touched anything. Like, this is the tip of the iceberg. We we have a lot more to try. There's more diets, there's more routines, like we'll get this place tested. I mean, I'm thinking of every way to tell him that we still have so much more to do. Like, this isn't it. And so you're fighting. I'm fighting. Yeah, you're in there, you're fighting. I'm a fighter by nature. And so I'm like, great, we're gonna figure this out, you know. And I'm I'm trying to just be like, okay, this is what we're doing next. And um, I remember I told him we had to make an appointment because we had to get the kids their passports. We were gonna take a trip. And I'm like, hey, their passports are in the printer. Can we gotta print those and get all of our, you know, because we got to renew stuff and we got to make an appointment to go downtown. And so we're talking about these future plans. So um I go upstairs to do laundry quick, come down, and he's working, he's on the phone. And I remember standing there waiting for him to get off the phone, and I waited a few minutes and he wasn't getting off. And I'm just like, okay, I'm gonna run and grab the kids. He's fine, he's working. People that are gonna do something aren't working. They're, you know, they're laying on the floor, they're not moving, they're in bed, you know. I'm like, he's he's like actively working towards something. This is great. I'm gonna run and get the kids and come back. I remember I had rice in the rice cooker, you know.

SPEAKER_03 11:15

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

I went and got the kids, and I remember driving home. I can remember everything about that drive home. And I remembered making a joke that he probably burned the rice in the rice cooker. Um man.

SPEAKER_02 11:33

It's okay.

SPEAKER_00 11:34

So uh I think I think I get I can tell this story and I disassociate, but when I start putting the kids in the story, yeah, it's hard for me. Um so I have our our four small children and we pull in the driveway, and I notice his car is backed in and he never is backed in. And when I tell you, like time stopped. I remember just seeing him in the car, and he had a tarp over the back, and um he was attempting to take his life, and I swung open the car door, and I pulled right next to him, so then I got his car door open and I started screaming for him to wake up, and he was not waking up. I remember my lungs just burning and I started screaming at the kids to get inside, and at that point I thought they were inside, but they kept coming back out, and I called 911 and Lincoln was still with me. And I threw the phone to Lincoln and I said, talk to them. And there was nobody around, no neighbors or anything. And I I remember looking at Lincoln and telling myself, like, don't you dare make him pull his dad out of this car. And so I pulled Brian myself like out of his car and I got him on the ground. And I started immediately doing CPR. And Lincoln came up to me and he's like, Mommy, they want to talk to you. And it was the operator, and they were already asking, like, if I started, and they were counting through it, and I just kept saying, like, please get somebody here. Um, it felt like forever. And the police showed up, and I remember the officer needed to drag him away from the cars and started CPR right away. And then all my neighbors started coming. And immediately I said, Call my brother, who is with Lee County. And at this point, they had me go in the house because I kept screaming, like, don't stop. And the kids went to the neighbors so they wouldn't be at our house watching it. So that was kind of the start of like I guess the beginning of the end. I think it just like normally I can talk through it, but when I talk about, you know, my babies being there.

SPEAKER_02 14:06

Yeah. So they got them into the ambulance.

SPEAKER_00 14:10

So they did. Um, yeah. They were able to get a pulse, but he coded three times on the way to the hospital.

SPEAKER_03 14:21

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

Um I went with my brother. Um, and we we raced there. And when I walked in, um, I don't think they had anything in the system yet. My brother was trying to tell him who came in. And I remember just falling to the ground because I thought they were kind of not telling me he was gone. And I remember just praying, like, don't let that be it. Like, don't, like, please, like, don't let that be it. They took us to a room. You know, we were trying to call Jeff and call the siblings and just try and get everybody to the hospital.

SPEAKER_02 14:55

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 14:55

Um, you know, I remember seeing Amy and just telling her I was so sorry.

unknown 15:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:03

It, you know, felt like, you know, all that was my fault that I should have been with him. You know, but I can say like nothing in me would have left him. Like, not a second. If I thought, you know, I'd lived a whole year like that. You know, not a part of me would have left him had I thought anything, like anything like remotely would have happened, you know. So I think it just definitely felt yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:31

I I can't be Jesus for you in the moment. Yeah. Because you already received truth from him on this stuff, but it doesn't mean that the sadness of it doesn't go away. You know, it's it's interesting. You've gotten so much healing from that place. And even as we're both sitting here, I'm I'm even worked up in in tears too with you a bit. But it's it's because we we think about the sadness of of of the whole situation. It's the Jesus has spoken so much truth to you in this moment later, but it's okay because we look back and we go, okay, wow. You know, this is a great picture too, Krista. We've got to remind ourselves as believers that when we get there, he'll wipe away.

SPEAKER_00 16:11

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 16:12

And and that what a picture.

SPEAKER_00 16:13

I'm so excited for that.

SPEAKER_02 16:16

I know. Yes. I mean, please. So you got him there, you're talking to Amy, and um you just felt like you do, you know. And and by the way, the entire family, you know, everybody loves you so much. You know, you have been always cared for. Um we're there, we're at the hospital. Jeff knows what's going on now.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

So we were still in the ER, and I do remember um one of my best friends was working at Golf Coast, and and she came down, and I remember knowing it was bad, but I didn't want to accept it because I saw the other nurse tell her something, and for a split second, I saw my friends just face just like she closed her eyes really quick, her like head drops. Like you just saw this moment where she didn't have composure and she comes back.

unknown 17:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:19

And here later I found out that they were saying that um he had no reflex when they were intubating him. And so the lowest form like he should have. Um, and so we get up to the ICU at this point. You know, he's still having some like movements, um, but it was all just it was all just the natural way of the body, you know, just, you know, he was already gone. Yeah. Even though they they had him on life support. Uh I'm still talking to him. I'm in denial. I know that this is really bad. I know it's three minutes, you know. I I I know his, I know this is bad. I couldn't accept it. And just still talking to him, holding his hand, no, not a chance I was leaving him. Um, they couldn't do all the brain function tests until like I believe it was 24 hours after, because that's how much the carbon monoxide affects the brain. So they really don't know how bad it is until you wait. And so nothing was being said. Um, it was just we had to wait for them to do the brain function tests. And I'm still like, God's gonna do a miracle. Like, he's come out of this. Like, Brian, you are in so much trouble. Like your parents are coming. We all know Cindy, and like she's gonna be so mad. Like, you know, I'm like, you better like get up soon, you know. And I'm just like, come on. And I just remember being like, okay, well, he's definitely gonna have to go to the hospital like after this, you know, and get a lot of help. But like he's still coming out of it.

SPEAKER_02 18:53

I mean, and this is how you're processing.

SPEAKER_00 18:55

This is how I'm processing. He's I can't grasp what's actually happening. I remember Steve was in the room with me, and I'm like, he's he's moving. And you know, Steve's amazing nurse, and he's just like, uh-huh. Like, I mean, he knows, he knows it's bad, you know, and I know it's bad, but I'm not gonna accept it. So the next day, um, Brian's parents got in town. Remember, they were across country.

SPEAKER_02 19:17

Yeah. And by the way, that was Steve's way of loving you in that moment, too.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

Oh my gosh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:22

Right.

SPEAKER_00 19:23

Can you imagine? He was like, Chris, uh, yeah, that's dumb.

SPEAKER_02 19:26

Like he's you know, he he was those are nerve-ending. Right. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 19:30

He, I mean, that's just Steve, though. I mean, we all love Steve. And if you're having a really bad moment, he's the most calm person in the room.

SPEAKER_03 19:37

So he's like Steve.

SPEAKER_00 19:39

Yeah, no. So Steve's the one to have in the room with you when you're losing it, you know? And and I really was losing everything. Um, I was, I mean, everything was out the window and in complete denial. And Steve's like, mm-hmm, you know, okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

Hey, three doves podcast listeners. My name is Justin Hannikan, and I've been a guest on episodes three and four of this podcast. I'm here to share with you today about a tangible way that we can live out our honest faith through real stories to see lives transformed. I'm part of a group called the Million Movement, and we have a goal to see one million children sponsored by the year 2050. I had the opportunity to travel to Ethiopia in 2009 to meet my sponsored child with Food for the Hungry, and my life has never been the same since. Could you take a minute and visit www.themillion movement.com to read more about our vision, and then if you're able to sponsor a child, you'll find a way to do so right at that link. Shoot me a DM on Instagram at the dot million.movement, because I want to send you a free gift to help you on your sponsorship journey. Again, that's www.themillion movement.com. And now back to this week's episode.

SPEAKER_02 20:36

When you were going through all that, you know, um, not to make anything, you know, just to share a part of a different perspective. My role I felt in that was to pray. And I just began just praying for you guys, you know, praying. I didn't I didn't know what the outcome was gonna be. Um, and then pretty much, like you said, Steven came out and he was able to kind of give us an idea. And I knew then. Of course, I already had this feeling. Yeah. And um, but that was a very difficult place, Krista, for anybody. Yeah, and it's a difficult place even right now um to watch somebody with that type of reflex going, they're still here. Yeah, they're still with me. Um but in your heart, the truth was I think you knew. But you didn't know for sure. Yeah, you didn't want to know. You didn't you didn't want it to be over. Of course not.

SPEAKER_00 21:30

Well, it doesn't make sense. No, like he was just fine. And I think that's the point where I was like, I was so confident he was going to be okay. I mean, I remember praying, God, if this is my 40 years in the desert with a husband that's so depressed and you know, anxious, I'll do it. I just want to be with him. Yeah, it doesn't matter what that looks like.

SPEAKER_02 21:51

Yeah, he's your best friend.

SPEAKER_00 21:52

So yeah, like it doesn't matter in sickness and in health. So I could not comprehend Brian wasn't coming out. that I I could not comprehend him not being here never never crossed my mind. I mean I figured if you know Brian would always say if you ever leave me I'm going with you. Like that's just how we I mean there wasn't an option for either one of us not to be with each other. It just wasn't I couldn't comprehend what was happening.

SPEAKER_02 22:22

How did it make you feel though that he went on without you?

SPEAKER_00 22:27

Oh so mad like so mad. I remember being like that was the meanest thing how how you did it in front of our kids and that you left me here to deal with all this you know and I remember thinking if I didn't have these kids in the car I would have just gotten in with them. Been like okay I guess we're doing this like you're not going without me that's so rude. We've talked about that we don't we're supposed to go like the notebook you know you're just both going in your sleep and I mean that's just how I never expected it to go the way it did.

SPEAKER_02 23:03

So you're in a place of denial.

SPEAKER_00 23:05

Oh for sure.

SPEAKER_02 23:06

You're fighting it.

SPEAKER_00 23:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:07

And then came time for the decision.

SPEAKER_00 23:10

I remember that so they had asked me well everyone kept asking me to go home and like shower and like clean up at this point my knees are just I'm like bloodied and gravel in my knees from CPR and um I refused. And they had to do the the tests the brain scans and all the tests um you know to to tell us what was going on and I refused to leave. My friend so graciously took me to her floor that she had worked on and there was a you know communal like shower and I just remember showering I threw away my clothes you know I had friends bring all their clothes and I threw away the clothes I was wearing and um yeah they they were just trying to get me to leave the room just so they could do what they needed to do. And at that point we were all we all came back in the room.

SPEAKER_02 23:59

It's kind of spotty what I remember I think because it was just so Krista do you think and I'm sorry to interrupt you but do you think maybe throwing away that those clothes somehow subconsciously or some symbolic act for you in that moment?

SPEAKER_00 24:15

I think it was just me not wanting to accept still what was happening. I I think if I kept the clothes and the blood all over them I would have to accept Brian attempted to take his life and I wasn't there and I didn't want to scrub the blood out. I never wanted to see those clothes again. I never wanted to see this moment. So why would I I remember my mom being like horrified she's like where are your clothes and like I threw them out. Like why would I ever want those like back this is the worst day of my life you know and so yeah it was just it was you trying to dump off the pain. Yeah it was just why do I can't do this I can't ex I never want this again. I want to clean this I'll never wear this outfit again and not think of this moment. You know so I definitely yeah got rid of that um went back to the room and I believe we were all together and the doctor came in and explained that he was brain dead.

SPEAKER_02 25:14

Yep I was there when she came in and that was just horrifying and I remember um when we were standing there all of us as a family I remember touching Brian's arm and I knew you know we knew Brian wasn't there. But I also remember the Holy Spirit prompting me to look you in the eyes when you came up from the you remember that I do to just say there's hope you know what I mean just to give you that it's okay. Yeah and I think you caught it but I saw such like you said there was such a and I just picked up on it in the spirit such a deep anger um and not just anger just this deep pain that came out of your eyes at that moment and I was like you know I I didn't even know you know from that point on I was just listening in to the spirit and it was it was what it was supposed to be. So Brian is now off life support.

SPEAKER_00 26:24

Yeah so before that even happened well after they said he was brain dead they asked us about donating um his organs thank you yes and I do remember yeah everyone kind of being like watch your decision like you you have to you know make this decision and and I did legally but I remember everybody too was like you decide yeah and I also knew as a nurse that I had to decide pretty quick because his organs were going to start failing. So I think maybe within a few hours like decided to donate and at that point they had asked if I wanted yeah it's okay if I wanted our children to come in and say goodbye. Yeah yeah and it was very clear to me in that moment that the last image that they had of Brian would not be on the concrete it was very clear that I wanted them to see that everybody everybody did everything we could to keep him here and to keep him alive and I had to have them see the links the doctors nurses family everybody went through because I knew I could not just tell them like oh he just died and so I made the decision to have um the kids come in and I had to tell our four very like beautiful children that you know daddy was going to heaven and they could see him if they wanted to um the child life specialists were amazing in the room they explained there was gonna be a lot of noises a lot of machines um they brought in little crafts to do they they did like thumb prints with Brian on little wooden hearts they did hand prints yeah they were very sweet and they let us spend as much time you know with him I don't know how much time we were there for but and we had like all you know a lot of the grandparents were there at this point people are flying in because of the news um and yeah I decided that the kids needed to leave once they started coming in to take all the blood for you know checking his organ functions and stuff for the donations um we had a a donation ceremony where they raised the flag do you remember oh I remember it yeah the organ donation ceremony that was very kind a lot of people showed up for that lined up the hallways when they're wheeling them down yeah they read out um we each wrote like about him so they would read it before um yeah and then we spent it Brian and I spent time together you know and I just played worship music and yeah it's okay you know just kept telling him like I remember specifically saying you have to see who Lincoln's gonna marry like you know like we just know she's gonna be amazing and I was like I can't believe you're not gonna see this and you know our grandbabies and yeah you know so I just kept talking to them and everybody was saying bye and you know they had cautioned me to you know they said I could go to the OR but you know they just cautioned me a lot was gonna be you know going on and that you know at this point you know I might just want this to be the last moment and yeah um they had you know I asked them to call me when his heart stopped beating you know to let me know that he was officially gone and the nurse did you know call me you know the next morning really early I didn't go home obviously the kids went with my brother um and I just went to a friend's house and they called to let me know you know he was gone. Yeah so he he did help a lot of people he um like I know he like donated like parts of his eyes and like skin and liver and um I think kidneys too I'm not sure I have like the paper at home like who it all went to um it took me years to read it though.

SPEAKER_02 30:45

Yeah I bet I remember yeah it was a long journey but in that tragedy um God was still working God was still doing amazing things um through you through the family through the kids um I saw um the brothers step up to be fathers I saw Jeff take on a role to really help out during that time and he's amazing oh and Steve and and all the girls Amy and Kat Katrina and you know Amy was like go over and fix this go over gosh and the amount of time you guys took the kids because I'm like I can't do this.

SPEAKER_00 31:23

You guys gotta take them I really can't do this anymore.

SPEAKER_02 31:26

Yeah um yeah but that was a time that you needed um to to gain back.

SPEAKER_00 31:32

Oh my gosh and just to grieve yeah I think when tell me about the grieving because that's important and people going through this process listening though and it's different I wouldn't know what it's like on the other side but when you're grieving with with kids and and young kids that are grieving your stuff goes on the back burner. Yeah you know I needed them to know I missed their dad I needed them to know that I felt pain but I also needed to give a front like hey we're gonna be okay this is really bad yeah but I got this and then I would go in the other room be like I do not got this I don't even know how to log into the bank info uh the lawyer saying don't tell you know try to keep paying the mortgage they might take the house I mean I literally was like guys we're gonna be okay dad told me what to do and then I would go in the other room and like cuss Brian out for not telling me what to do. Wow and so it was a very I don't have time to like to really like grieve in the moment because I have to get them through and I have to like fake it till I make it and make sure that they know we're gonna be okay.

SPEAKER_02 32:35

I had no idea I had no idea you were going through all that crystal oh yeah like it was it was yeah and you know get them to school on time.

SPEAKER_00 32:44

So you know and and tell them like daddy's in heaven real life and pretend like you know you're okay because of it but also don't seem like a robot and like you don't miss them. So it was like it was a really hard balance and I think Boston he's he's our oldest he saw the worst of it. Yeah um I was cautioned early on not to you know lean on him like a husband you know but he definitely felt the weight of being the oldest and like I better keep it together because mom's gonna lose it.

SPEAKER_02 33:16

I remember can't handle one more thing. No, I remember.

SPEAKER_00 33:18

And he really did take on that role um as much as I told him not to he obviously did and I was struggling a lot. I struggle with my own mental health after that I mean it was within a year I was extremely suicidal depressed seeing doctors just being like so I don't want to go on anymore. And it was a lot on him specifically and all of them but trying to get them through grief while also grieving it it's only Jesus I can tell you only Jesus is why I'm sitting here because it was an insurmountable pain that I thought I would never come out and like get through.

SPEAKER_02 33:55

Ready to feel unstoppable hit chill cold plunge in Cape Coral now with two locations on Del Prado and Chiquita. Cold plunge, recovery and total reset all in one place. Boost your energy crush inflammation and get back to your best we'll get the chill in Cape Coral. Take the plunge today their phone number is 239-204578 that's 239204578 what were some of the encounters if you want to share you and Jesus through some of this stuff some of the things that God was teaching and talking you through because that that that brought a lot of hope when I heard some of your stories just throughout the years. I was like I didn't what?

SPEAKER_00 34:33

I know Ebenezers I had Ebenezers everywhere and there was definitely a point in time where I even went to the you know Lowe's and got rocks and I would write on the bottom of the rocks a moment to keep living like you know I had one at the nail salon and I would be like okay nail salon you know pay the bill and you know I'd put my Ebenezer out by the pool so I could see it and you know another one I explain Ebenezer in case people don't understand it but it's like a point in time where like God really came through. You could probably explain it better than it's like a point in time where God really came through for you and it's like this physical thing that you can look at because we're human and and we forget and we think nothing good is ever going to happen again. And in Israel they would do the stones of and stack them right and that's I actually needed stones to stack that I could go out and look at and be like God this is terrible right now. I'm never gonna laugh again I'm I'm never gonna smile again. My kids are probably all going to end up in jail because that's what statistics say is going to happen because they don't have a dad. I mean all of these things and I would go out and I'd look at my Ebenezer or I look at it once they the pile started getting tall and I would be like okay but you're good and you got me through that. So you're gonna get me through this. And there was one of the lowest points where I was like I got to start writing this down in a physical form I can look at because I don't think I'm getting through dinner time.

SPEAKER_02 36:01

Yeah. That's what kind of got you into that journey of writing more after and then starting the post I saw the post coming out on Facebook. But I've watched the transition though from the pain and the suffering doesn't mean that the sadness like even as we're reminiscing today isn't still there. Yeah but there's a different level of healing right that's come about of all this and I watched you through your grieving process when we go on the family trips and you're like oh I really just don't even you didn't want to be there. But then you came right and you would just go for these long runs walks and you're gone.

SPEAKER_00 36:44

Yeah and by the way you you had lost so much weight at one time we as a family I mean I was I was like is she getting enough nourishment like I was a little we were all a little nervous for you because just the people to even eat I remember my parents coming over and watching me eat and I would try and eat and I would go through I mean that's how deep the grief was not only did I not want to eat I could not eat and that was hard for the kids to see I know there were points where Boston just be in the bathroom with me and how did God heal that gosh I I will tell you my lowest points where I'm like I'm not doing this anymore. Like I know how I'm gonna you know take myself out of the equation there was somebody who knew Brian and he messaged me on Facebook and was like you need to go try EMDR therapy because at this point I'm not functioning. I don't want to function yeah I'm not functioning I hear an ambulance I'm having a panic attack I'm looking at the clock and if it's the time I found Brian I'm having a panic attack I didn't even want to go home to our house. So there's a lot of things and EMDR really gave me a lot of healing with that and it was a Christian therapist too. So she would sit there um kind of like the apha and ask me okay like Jesus was there with you like what was happening in that moment yeah you know and and so we would just go through and I would definitely you know look up EMDR if if you have any kind of trauma or anything because it it really is what kickstarted me to wanting to live again.

SPEAKER_02 38:28

Wow yeah wow so there's tools tools there's people out there if you're in this situation um every situation's different yeah right Krista we've talked a little bit about that before where you know you might grieve a little different than than your child yeah um your family members you know we're grieving along with you through all that here we are and God's taking this big ball of messiness that in chaos and he's doing a lot of work inside your heart through your writing through your ministering to others who are going through this it didn't start immediately no but it took a few years and then the Lord started working in you again to hey crystal let's let's start living let's start walking in life you know death is here yes death is there but you're called to walk in life tell me a little bit about that calling of walking in life here I think once Brian died I wanted the band aid I I wanted the pain to be over so there were certain things I was turning to to just make the hurting stop just to get me through and one of those was a relationship that started not in the best way should never have happened you know and God really ended that like very abruptly yeah and I just had like emotional whiplash.

SPEAKER_00 39:50

I couldn't believe I come to a place again of somebody just out of my life so abruptly but that was really the beginning of it and and understanding God removed that person because I was starting to go down that path of that person being like everything. You know and so God took this yeah and and it just it wasn't for me and God was just like no more like this isn't what I have for you and and I knew that wasn't what God had for me but it was good enough because it didn't hurt all the time. Right and so once that was removed it was kind of like the floodgates opened of the grief and I could actually grieve for the first time I was actually alone and it was just me and Jesus every night it was me yelling at God. It was me saying really awful awful things you know when you get like in a fight with your spouse and the next day you wake up and you're like this is awkward. You know at least that's how my nights would go. I would like yell at God and be like I can't believe you did this and blah blah blah you know and uh the next day I wake up and be like sorry that was uncalled for I overreacted you know all these just you and Jesus just me and Jesus you know and and it was great and I was I was in counseling at that point too Christian counseling and my counselor is amazing. So that was really where you know he's just like that's not what I have for you. Why would you go why would you want to go back to that? Yeah you know and and that's really where I started to heal from something that I thought was super terrible.

SPEAKER_02 41:30

I'm like that's so amazing what God those Ebenezer moments are saying Ebenezer moments.

SPEAKER_00 41:34

Yes they you found quite a few of those signs though when you went and remodeled a bedroom I remember oh my God remember that yeah tell us tell us about that quickly yeah I mean obviously I didn't think Brian liked me that much when he you know left yeah he officially well Brian Brian was sick it took me a long time to understand that I think until my own sickness yeah to me I was like how could somebody do that? But then when I became extremely suicidal I was like oh that makes sense so at this point before any of that kind of happened I was like man Brian really hated me he just like up and left like that's man I suck. Like I'm just the worst person ever. He had to get out of here you know and Satan's like yeah you're right you're you're terrible if you were a better wife he'd still be here and that's all I'm hearing. And I we had gone through Irma and there was a lot I had to redo to the house myself which made me even more mad because Brian wasn't there. I don't know how to do anything. Right. Um now I have to pay somebody to do it that's that sure doesn't feel great. Um and so I was moving a dresser out of the girl's room and on the back of the dresser was painted I love Krista and it was just so sweet. And it really did that moment was an Ebenezer because it stopped me in my tracks of Satan. Like Satan didn't get to say that anymore Satan didn't get to tell me he never loved you you know you made this worse if he married somebody else he'd still be here you know and all these things and lies I know they're all lies lies and uh yeah you know so that was a huge Ebenezer um yeah another one I remember at the nail salon uh you know somebody was like are you excited about Christmas I'm like no she's like aren't you just so excited about the kids and stuff I'm like no like please stop asking me questions like I don't want to talk obviously and she goes yeah but what are you doing for Christmas? I'm like ma'am my husband just died like I I I don't even know what I'm doing. I I'm like my four kids are probably gonna hate me all these things and the lady next to me like gets up and leaves and I'm like okay well now I've really cleared the room you know the nail lady's not talking to me nobody's talking around me and she comes back and she goes I just want you to know honey like I paid the bill like just like Jesus does right Jesus pays the bill and she's like I paid the bill and I want you to know like good things are coming.

unknown 43:59

Wow

SPEAKER_02 44:00

So she accepted where you were.

SPEAKER_00 44:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:03

In your pain, in your grief, in your probably a little snippiness because that's yeah, your little attitude.

SPEAKER_00 44:08

I was like, please stop.

SPEAKER_02 44:08

That goes back to the Krista attitude.

SPEAKER_00 44:10

It does, though. I'm like, please stop. I'm giving clear signs. Yeah. I'm not comfortable. I don't want to talk about Christmas.

SPEAKER_02 44:16

Yeah. But she goes and pays your bill in full and comes back as personification of Christ. Yeah. And then you're a spirit and you caught that. And the Lord's like, hey, Krista.

SPEAKER_00 44:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:27

Yeah, you're paid for.

SPEAKER_00 44:28

And tells me it's going to be okay.

SPEAKER_02 44:29

It's going to be okay.

SPEAKER_00 44:30

Like good things are coming.

SPEAKER_02 44:31

Good things are coming. That's good. Let's talk about those good things. Let's talk about those good things in the last five, ten minutes we got together here. Sure. What are some of those good things now that came out of it? I mean, I know I know three good things.

SPEAKER_00 44:44

I know three good things too. Yeah. Um, Mike, so I got remarried. Yeah. We've been married three years now. Yeah. And even though we both swore we didn't want kids together any more kids, we have two little babies. We have Everett and Eloyn.

SPEAKER_02 44:59

Um still can't pronounce her name right.

SPEAKER_00 45:01

It's okay. Just call her Wynn. I'm supposed to be her uncle. Look at her and just be like, you. She'll forgive you. She's so sweet. I love her. She's okay. She's so sweet.

SPEAKER_02 45:09

She smiles at me all the time.

SPEAKER_00 45:11

She is so sweet.

SPEAKER_02 45:12

I love it.

SPEAKER_00 45:13

Um, yeah, so that's been great. Ton of healing. Yeah. Um, Mike, I will tell you, he, oh my gosh. I just don't. I've getting remarried was not easy. No. We it it was a really tough road.

SPEAKER_02 45:27

I don't even know. Like, I thought I was invited to like an engagement party, and all of a sudden, we're like, surprise, we're getting married. Surprise. We're all like, what?

SPEAKER_00 45:38

I mean, looking back, I'm like, yeah, we should have definitely had a lot of counseling before that, but we're like, let's just get married. Let's move all these kids in together. And that, you know, that just a pretty bunch. Yeah, we're like, we're gonna be fine. Um, we were not fine, and we had to go through a lot of things, a lot of counseling, you know. Um, but I will tell you, he loved me through so many awful things I've said to him in my grief. It really did open up what where I thought I was healed. It opened up a lot, a lot. Um, and then relationships have that ability, don't they?

SPEAKER_02 46:13

God uses them. Scalpels. The scalpels, inside, inside, inside joke here. Not joke, but inside experience. The scalpels, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:21

Yeah, God's like using them to cut away the ick in us, and yeah, and God was definitely using Mike for that. Um, I mean, and that's hard, anyways. The kids, you know, some of them have had a really hard time with me getting remarried to Mike, and obviously babies. And so they miss their dad. I miss their dad. Yeah. Um, Brian's very real to us. I married an amazing man who asked me questions about Brian, who wants to know Brian better because he can know the kids better. He wants to know about my life. He's not intimidated by Brian, he's not jealous about Brian. He's he really is, you know, he is my second chance. Like he he really is, you know, he's not my second choice. He's my second chance at, you know, finding love and healing. And and he does lead me to Jesus just by the way he treats me.

SPEAKER_03 47:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:12

He's very sweet, you know. He's so stay, he's oh yeah, I mean, he's so stable and even.

SPEAKER_02 47:17

And I I'm not like don't paint a picture here that you're this crazy person running around. No, that's not true. No, but I think I think you're emotional because you're so in touch, and Chris, this is just the truth. And and for those listening, you're so in touch with um the inner workings of what God is doing in you and the emotional stuff. Um, maybe you know, you look at it and go, wow, I'm such a mess. But you know what? You're no different uh than anybody else because you have that identity of Jesus Christ living in you and who he calls you by name. Yes, right? And because of that, calling by name, you are able to walk out of the grave and into a place of life and into a garden, which is blooming, right? I mean, you have two beautiful children, you've got four existing children, and Mike's got a couple extra children from a previous marriage, and it works. It's it's I watched the dynamic and I sat back and I'm like, that's a lot. But if anybody could do this, if anybody in their life could be called into a place of this, that's Krista and Mike right here. Wow. Because you guys, God has already positioned you for what he's called you into, and uh it's no doubt from our family perspective that the widow's ministry and working with people who have mental uh uh crises and and the depression. Yeah, Mike works on an app, and I get kind of sucked in. I've been really bad at helping, but it's the truth. No, it is. And and and but he gets into this app because he cares, Crystal. He his heart is for helping others see truth. It is like yours. Yes, and that's a that's that's the best way I could say to end this podcast is that what would you say to people out there? I want to let you say it, that have gone through something similar or going through this. What would you what what would you leave them with in that?

SPEAKER_00 49:10

I would definitely leave them with something I was told at one of my darkest times. I remember um Rachel Faulkner Brown, who leads never alone. She told us at a retreat, she goes, Your best days are not behind you, they're ahead. And that really upset me in the moment. It almost just felt like a lie. Like, I how am I ever gonna be happy again without Brian? How am I ever gonna see my kids smile again with what they witnessed and the trauma they witnessed? But she was right. She's been right, and that is what I tell people. Like, you will, you will like smile again, you will laugh. You you are gonna see God's goodness in the land of the living, and you are still living, so he's not done yet. Your best days aren't behind you, they're ahead, they are.

SPEAKER_02 50:13

Krista, thank you for uh try not to joke up on that one. Um, sharing your heart and the thing that you went through, and the most painful thing, uh, losing someone that you deeply loved. But the outcome of that is an amazing story of God's grace, yeah, God's mercy, God's forgiveness, and your forgiveness and all that is amazing. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 50:43

Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_02 50:47

And what you heard today is real life pain, questions, and a road that most people never expect to walk. But right in the middle of it, there's a truth you can hold on to. God does not waste anything. And Krista's story is a reminder that even when everything feels broken, healing is still possible. Step by step, day by day, God rebuilds what we thought was lost. If this episode spoke to you, share it with someone who needs hope. And remember this no matter where you are today, no matter how heavy it feels, your best days are not behind you, they're ahead. We'll see you next time on the Three Doves Podcast, and as always, God bless.